Chats in the Key of Ratchet…

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Naturally Alise

actual transcript.

Haven’t posted any silly chats from my partner in crime/ratchetry/gchattery, Belinda, (or blog post in general) in quite a while. I know she feels neglected, kind of like her brain feels neglected of cells and sense. I still love her though, but you are supposed to love thine enemies anyway, so it works. That’s the way God and ‘nem designed it. Or something. Anyway, I am rambling, enjoy the silliness:

definitely not brown...

me: Awesome sauce! … Which is just generic swagu, but tastes similar
Belinda: yeah generic swagu is a nice sub, specially for these hard times
me: I be thinking… I’m a great resource
Belinda: you’re like encyclopedia brown except you’re actually brown
me: Google brown
Belinda: YES, i’d totally read those books

for indoors only.

me: I don’t trust folks who go outside in pajamas
I feel like they ain’t wash their ass
#random
Belinda: LMFAO, Bye Alice –> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MngGyN8Q294

[Editor's Note: the video she sent me is below]

WHOOP DAT TRICK! wait.. what?

Belinda: agreed
asloth [Editor's note: once again for this corny reference : pet greed]
me: *dies*
Belinda: we are seriously beating this dead horse.
r.i.p., horse
me: better than beating a sloth doe
he already got it bad
Belinda: you ain’t never lied
well at least not today
yeah, beating a sloth is like beating a man when he’s down
me: but beating a man while down is better strategy
Belinda: it really is
it keeps things consistent
me: if only i used my powers for good
Belinda: it’s like “well… while you down there..”
me: we aint shit
well more so you
Belinda: not one bit
we’re the antonym of shit
wait… ( ._.)
me: ol shit antithesis
they should’t give big words to ratchets like us

Don’t judge us, we are actually reasonable people. Well I am anyway. Viva las chats.

Posted in laughs, silly chats | Tagged beating a dead horse, chats, Encyclopedia Brown, GChat, greed, pajamas, sloth | 6 Comments

poetry: my faves…

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Naturally Alise

Not only do I love to write and perform poetry, but I love even more reading and listening to other poets. I often make the mistake of comparing myself to these great artists. Then I snap out of it and realize that no two poets are alike and that it is not a competition. It is about the art. It is about learning. It is about expressing yourself from an honest place. It is about pushing through the conventional and finding your own voice. With all of that being said, I’d like to share some poems and performances that have touched me deeply, I present to yous ome of my favorite poetry:

Nikki Giovanni, my hero...

Nikki Giovanni, “Choices”

if i can’t do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don’t want
to do

it’s not the same thing
but it’s the best i can
do

if i can’t have
what i want . . . then
my job is to want
what i’ve got
and be satisfied
that at least there
is something more to want

since i can’t go
where i need
to go . . . then i must . . . go
where the signs point
through always understanding
parallel movement
isn’t lateral

when i can’t express
what i really feel
i practice feeling
what i can express
and none of it is equal
i know
but that’s why mankind
alone among the animals
learns to cry

ALICE! (great name, lol)

Alice Walker, “Gift”

You intend no doubt
to give me nothing,
and are not aware
the gift has already been
received.
Curse me then,
and take away
the spell.
For I am rich;
no cheap and ragged
beggar
but a queen,
to rouse the king
I need in you.

just a few that mean a lot to me… what is some of your favorite poetry?

Posted in Poetry, spoken word | Tagged Alice Walker, favorites, Nikki Giovanni, Sonia Sanchez | 5 Comments

Chats, Rhymes, and Life

Posted on December 12, 2011 by Naturally Alise

...and so forth and such and what not, etc.

Belinda: *heart warms*
me: I imagined your heart in some Tupperware in the microwave on defrost
Belinda: HAHAHA me too!
me: That’s why we go together
Belinda: mmhmm chile
me: Peas and carrots swag
Belinda: tee hee!
wayment… i bet you’d say i was forrest gump
hmph

Yeah, me and Belinda (aka Cheekie the Great Mediocre) go together. I am a glutton for punishment… and pie. You miss us? No? Haters. Anyway, with my new job situation and new website design jobs, I haven’t been posting much, but I sure missed it. So this will kick off my attempt to not be a stranger for so long. Speaking of missing foks:

Megaphone Protocol

Alise: I missed you.
Don’t tell nobody.
Step away from the megaphone
Belinda: *places megaphone into pocket like only a looney tune-esque character could*
ditto
me: but their pocket would be in their fur…. even though they would take the fur off, so i guess it was technically clothes
Belinda: LOL true, i wonder if they ever wore mink coats in the winter or thought their shit was better?

Classy Greetings and Laughs

Belinda: how are you and shit?
me: Splendid and shit.you?
Belinda: shit and splendid, naturally (no… *points to you*)
me: Lmao
Le Mao
Lee meow
Lay mow
Belinda: HAHAHA
me: That is all
For now anyway
Belinda: how bout lei mao for the Hawaiians?

Circular Un-Logic

Belinda: figured i need some chill evening ratchet gchat time.i been too productive lately. o_O
me: LOL, need some sloth … would you pet a pet greed or sloth? (Editor’s Note: Click here to get the “pet greed” reference)
or is a pet greed all porcupiney?
would you just nod at it to show affection?
Belinda: yeah, i’d give it a thats whats up head nod. I’m too gangsta for anything else
me: and you boogie with it for obvious reasons, but dont blame it…. actually blame it, MJ said so
i am confused
Belinda: same

What???

Check out some vintage chat silliness by clicking the pics below while I get my blogging life together.

"We Be Chatting"

"Chatopia"

"Chat Swagu"

Enjoy! Happy Holidays! Till we meet again…

Posted in laughs, silly chats | Tagged cheekie, GChat, I MISS Y'ALL!!! | 4 Comments

Mall madness…

Posted on November 21, 2011 by Naturally Alise

Good afternoon mall shoppers, umm, I mean blog readers. How y’all doing? can I help you find anything or ring you up… or something. I am so confused. I work at the mall. I had to go back the world of retail after over a year of unemployment, but this isn’t a sob story post about the state of the economy and shitty job market. This also isn’t an entry about the state of my achy old feet and rickety old back, I digress; this is a fun post. I thought I would tell you some of the funny mall observations I have been observerating… uh huh, observerating. tee hee…

This song is like tinsel and glitter... never goes away.

I work anywhere from 8 to 12 hour shifts. Within that span of time I hear the store’s music, which actually is not half bad. Not half good either. I have heard at least 20 different covers of the cassic Donny Hathaway Christmas song, “This Christmas.” As you may have seen on my blog, I am a huge fan of Donny Hathaway and his progeny. However, I low-key despise “This Christmas.” On paper it is a great song, catchy, and Yuletidey, but I have deveoped a relationship with this song similar to mine with the Eletric Slide Dance. I sing it just like you HAVE an obligation to do the Electric Slide at ratchet weddings and family reunions. It’s in the rules for retaining your Hood Pass™. Back to the incessant playing of this song at work. I have heard a version done by some of the following artists:

Usher
Gloria Estafan
Beyonce and ‘nem (Destiny’s Child)
Chris Brown
Macy Gray … this is by far the worst version.
Christina Aguilera … she overdid this one the way she oversings everything, it is painful to listen.

they have got to bring this back....

They also play Boyz II Men’s “Let It Snow” at least thrice every shift. I like that song though, and I also wanted to say thrice. -_- So last week I saw a lady in my store wearing:

Heavy Winter coat
Furry hat
NO SHOES!!!

I was so perplexed. I stared at this lady for at least 5 minutes. I just wanted to know why she was buying cosmetics and not some Uggs or something. I am upset about her entire existence. How do you just wake up on a frigid morning and think, “I am gonna get dressed out in my finest Winter gear, but eff these shoes!!!” How do you just casually walk through the mall without nary a piece of footwear? She could have at least worn those annoying socks with the grips on the bottom. Any thoughts? *ShrugLife*

Also I wanted to share this mall sight with you accompanied by photographic evidence:

#ThugLife

Belinda: LMFAO. He look so gangsta. And I still love how Chick Fil A’s mascot is a cow. still think that is genius as fuck.

me: Chik Fila cow bout dat life, he IS gangsta ain’t he?

Belinda: quite, he has that… aura

me: This one little girl was about to lose it to get to him, a toddler

Belinda: aww

me: They say “my pleasure ” instead of you’re welcome on Chik Fil A. I don’t like that shit. I bet the cow don’t like it either

What weird or funny stuff have you witnessed at the mall?

Posted in laughs, music, silly chats | Tagged cheekie, Chick Fil A, donny hathaway, mall, no shoes, retail, This Christmas, weirdos | 11 Comments