Category Archives: silly chats

Gumby? Do. Not. Want.

I am not a fan of  Claymation.  Why am I talking about this?  Well, I am gonna tell you in a minte.  This is a blog you know, be patient.  *Clears throat*  Anyway, Google’s doodle for today was this scariness below:

 

google gumby doodle claymation

creepy Claymation. Also, don't judge my plethora of tabs, you don't know my life!!!

 

Yes, the horror!!!  And this Cheekie chick that I sometimes converse with against my will says:

 

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/pinchmycheekie/status/124122884208721920″]

 

And then me in all my all knowingness and wisdom say:

 

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/NaturallyAlise/status/124124472004452352″]

 

Then after some more characteristic slander by Cheekie we take it this far. She is such a habitual line-stepper.

 

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/NaturallyAlise/status/124133649582006273″]

 

Yeah, she always takes stuff way too far.  I hate her.  Anyway, I actually don’t know why Claymation creeps me out.  I think it may be the choppiness of the movements.  I think the disjointedness will magically pop out the screen and attack my unborn children.  This makes sense in my mind.   I also do not like the texture of clay, the way it feels and looks.  Just one of those strange aversions.  *shruglife*  But just when I thought the Gumby/Claymation madness was over, here comes my “friend” Bee with some mess

Bee: Why am i over here watching old Gumby episodes
Alise: I don’t effs with Gumby
Bee: …..Well,  its been very nice knowing you: http://youtu.be/AhczFRlBT2E
Alise: is that Claymation you are sending me?
Bee: *whistles*
Alise: not clicking shit
Bee: CLICK IT DAMNIT!
Alise: *whistles*
Bee:touche my friend, touche
Alise: i clicked it, you happy?

 

this is the link she sent.  Rude.

 

I think Gumby weirds me out the most, but there are other Claymation figures that disturb me.  Of course I will share:

california raisins

I don't even like real raisins. Claymation raisins??? From California like Bee??? Do. not.want.

 

claymation christmas special

I never cared for the Christmas Claymation crap. (oooh alliteration!) Bah Humbug!

 

You know I report the hard hitting issues.How do you feel about Claymation?

art school, seems legit…

So Belinda Cheekie Jenkins sends me this picture:

art class reject instructions

very thorough.

Alise: LOL!!!

pinchmycheekie: best art class evah

Alise: seems legit

pinchmycheekie: accredited

Alise: remember those stamp pads that smelled all fruity?

pinchmycheekie: mmhmm!

Alise: like of a smiley face, stars and sh*t
that’s what they stamp your ‘ploma with

pinchmycheekie:___________  (editor’s note: that is Belinda flatlining because she laughed so hard that her feeble ass died)
in fact, i used to hate those “teach you how to draw” ads in newspapers, but with that picture my hate is gone
and i hated them because i kept trying to draw the fish or clown or whatever sample picture they told you to draw that determined whether you got in the faux school or not

 

draw me art school

Draw these and you can enter their hallowed halls....

Alise: Sometimes it was a lttle turtle character

pinchmycheekie: yeah!
lookin like the comcast slowsys
which didn’t exist then
but still
point of reference

Alise: I low-key wanted to be in that school

pinchmycheekie: me too!!

but i couldn’t get it right

Alise: dreams of a defferred nature. no Langston.

pinchmycheekie: i tried so hard
*sobs*
*sits in armchair*
SO HARD

Alise: we are a motley pitiful crew

 

 

Support the arts y’all.

 

The Naturalista Monolith…

natural hair twitter hashtag

tee hee...

Le sigh.  Yes, I am frustrated and French.  Les sighs.  Now I am plurally  frustrated.  Why?  Funny you should ask.  I am agitated with the assumptions and stereotypes surrounding people with natural hair.   I have been a relaxer-free semi-diva for most of the past decade.  It is hilarious some of the broad generalizations they make about this broad here.  (<— see what I did there?) This is what I have to say about these assumptions:

Alise side eye

My naps say have several seats.

 

Actually, it doesn’t agitate me for real; in fact it is rather entertaining.   Don’t let the Natural Hair Mafia see this though, I ain’t tryna get shot up or anything.  Just saying.  Me and my fabulous friend CaShawn, aka The PBG of Dirty Pretty Thangs  had a few alleged things to say about it.

The PBG:  I never was a fan of Toni Morrison’s work

The PBG: <–horrible Black woman

me: me neither!!! so confusing

The PBG: People act like she’s the Mecca. I’m think she’s the “meh”

me:   but girl what we gon’ tell the Afro Mafia, we gots to like Toni

The PBG: Girl, I don’t know. They may have us excommunicated. Or worse.



Toni Morrison

Hey Toni, hey. You are probably are a good person and fun to kick it with and I love your hair, but I don't understand the things you write. Don't tell nobody tho.

 

Yes, it is a requirement that the natural haired set read AND enjoy Toni Morrison.  If you don’t you might as well get an S-Curl of Duke Texturizer Kit.  It is in the handbook.

 me: We ‘posedta like Dwele

The PBG: We can’t like UGK, fried chicken…

And worship Badu. We do, but that’s immaterial.

Do you burn incense? I think we’re supposed to.

me: Dangit, I need to increase my frequency

 

Did you know us naturals have to pray to an altar made of cowrie shells with Erykah Badu albums laid upon it thrice a day.  PBG has to repent for her love of UGK and I have to make amends for enjoying Jahiem and Tank sex carols.

The PBG: Yeah. I forget sometimes. Naturalistas are gonna disown me.

me: We gotta stop with the weaves and braid extensions

That is punishable by jail time

The PBG: As Black girls that don’t relax our hair, that is a definite no-no.

I am also wanted for aiding and abetting her weave. Shame on us.

me: But I have to stop eating this delicious pork

The PBG: Bacon will make your hair straight!!!

me: I might don’t make it.

The PBG: You got white friends? You bet not tell nobody but God.

fried bacon

I ain't giving up my bacon for NOBODY! Fight me.

me:  Do I have to throw away my Freakum dresses?

The PBG: You can turn it into a turban. I think that’s acceptable. Be sure to check the Natural Black Girl’s Handbook.

me: I’mma get the DVD from the natural sorority’s website for 29.95

Don’t want to be out in deez streets slipping

I’ll clear out a space on my shelf after I throw away my hood movies

The PBG: The natural hair drop squad will come for you. Force you to eat vegan and listen to Jill Scott cd’s.

me: Well they look at Jill in contempt now, she got a perm, she was excommunicated

The PBG: Who’s the new it girl or are they still holding up India.Arie as the Patron Saint of Nappy?

You know she did that song we’re supposed to love.

me: “I am Not My Hosh*t” ?

The PBG: That’s it.

me: POW!

The PBG: Or was that Trina?

me: collabo

The PBG: Definitely.

African head Wrap

This wrap used to be a top of the line Freakum dress. Word to Beyonce.

The PBG: I think we’re supposed to tag all of tweets #naturalhair

“I’m on my way to work now. #naturalhair”

me: Took a dump, lit an incense #doe #naturalhair

The PBG: My feet hurt. #naturalhair

me: Eating free range fried chicken wings and organic Mumbo sauce #naturalhair

The PBG: We need to get on the right track or risk being ostracized by the other kinky haired chicks.

me: Cuz we have  to not conform by conforming…. wait, what?

The PBG: Huh? What? I am a non-conformist!

So I have to do what the other relaxer-less girls do.

twitter bird with afro

He ends all his tweets with #naturalhair, as to not conform. -_-

So what natural hair misconceptions and assumptions have you heard or been privy to from folks?

Been around the world, kinda…

Just a lil conversation with me and Belinda Ratchetisha Cheeks, aka Cheekie (wondering where the name came from read this —> MY NAME IS MY NAME), because I am too lazy to write a real post, but I wanted to post something, lol.  I am such an underachiever, yet worldly.  Enjoy:

world physical map

Been around the world and I-yi-yi-yi I can't find my baby... not that I was looking for him though.

Cheekie: i been a traveling heffa this year lol
me: you really have!
  gallivanting ass
Cheekie: HAHAHAHAHA
  i wish i could put that on my passport
 me: you could technically, lol
  foolery stamp
Cheekie: guess i’m making up for never traveling in my younger years. yes way back in my 20-something years. _
  YES!
 me: i travelled my butt off in my 20s
  i done been all over this great country
  not out of it doe :(
 Viva Nepal! not.
 Cheekie: YES. i still wanna see so much of this country. wanna go to the wesside.
  crip walks over there
  that would take 5 months. like i actually crip walked there
 me: I used to think everything was mad close together bc growing up I had a world map as wallpaper in my bedroom, so my scale was a little off
 Cheekie: lmfao
 me: My mama wanted me to have bamma ass butterflies and sh*t, I chose the world map
 Cheekie: didn’t have no “not to scale” disclaimer,huh
Happy Tuesday!

Negative Nancy and Dumb Cheekie

Two Face Batman Beyond

I am multi-layered, say something about it!

 

Maybe I am Negative Nancy this week because I am seriosuly irritated with everything.  Today I am frustrated with a certain aspect of social media, particularly Twitter.  I am sick of people thinking you can only be one way.  Folks in these streets like “Eff a complex being!”  They have signs and everything, not really, but they #minuswell.   For example, today folks were talking about the alleged false separation story  of Will and Jada Smith, and were getting bashed about that because they weren’t talking abut Libya and other major news stories.  My immediate reaction:

 

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/106043964997648384″]

 

So let me get this right, if I talk about gossip or doing hoodrat stuff with my friends I don’t care about the world.  Also, we can only talk about frivolous things that you deem acceptable.  Oh.

camron side eye gif

oh.

 

To other things let me tell you about this low IQ pal of mine named Cheekie, peep this conversation:

Cheekie: i’m done wif you

me: lies

roll the tube

stop being wasteful

Cheekie: i tell some semblance of the troof

me: if that helps you sleep at night

it that is what keeps your Circadian rhythms on beat

Cheekie: THOSE annoying things, and those mutant cicadas don’t know how to fly. brand new stranger bishes.

i wish i had a blog when they came here

me: aint nobody say nothing bout no cicadas

Cheekie: oh you said CIRcadian

facepalm

puts deep-rooted issues in backburner

me: LMAO!!!!  but i do share your disdain -_-

 

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/105843224140189697″]

 

  Thanks for bearing with this schizophrenic post. No DSM IV.