Tag Archives: Twitter

All Tweets EVERYTHING!

September 23, 2011 Naturally Alise 1 Comment

He ends all his tweets with #naturalhair

I miss The PBG‘s old series where she posted the funniest tweets from Twitter. I looked forward to it every Friday to make my week complete and feel like I could live on. Yes, I am dramatic and extra, I thought that’s why y’all liked me. I digress. In remembrance of that awesome series I wanted to ever so often post my favorite tweets of the moment. All of them won’t necesarily be funny, just interesting or clever. Enjoy! (*cries in the car waiting for The PBG to bring back her series*)

Very relevant wisdom:

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/Dart_Adams/status/116995085299761152″]

seems legit:

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/sassycrass/status/116561312858914816″]

See how folks be life Eff Logic! I appreciate him stating this:

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/070180/status/116660442738331648″]

Belinda, go sit down.

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/pinchmycheekie/status/116916396566384640″]

Something in the milk ain’t clean…

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/purplepeace79/status/116678621640404993″]

gratuitous ignorant Alise tweet:

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/117006157272461312″]

hmmmm…:

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/MeLaMachinko/status/112239685409050624″]

WELP!!!

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/MoreAndAgain/status/115863186737070081″]

Happy Friday Y’all!

laughs, silly chats

The Naturalista Monolith…

September 13, 2011 Naturally Alise 24 Comments

tee hee...

Le sigh. Yes, I am frustrated and French. Les sighs. Now I am plurally frustrated. Why? Funny you should ask. I am agitated with the assumptions and stereotypes surrounding people with natural hair. I have been a relaxer-free semi-diva for most of the past decade. It is hilarious some of the broad generalizations they make about this broad here. (<— see what I did there?) This is what I have to say about these assumptions:

My naps say have several seats.

Actually, it doesn’t agitate me for real; in fact it is rather entertaining. Don’t let the Natural Hair Mafia see this though, I ain’t tryna get shot up or anything. Just saying. Me and my fabulous friend CaShawn, aka The PBG of Dirty Pretty Thangs had a few alleged things to say about it.

The PBG: I never was a fan of Toni Morrison’s work

The PBG: <–horrible Black woman

me: me neither!!! so confusing

The PBG: People act like she’s the Mecca. I’m think she’s the “meh”

me: but girl what we gon’ tell the Afro Mafia, we gots to like Toni

The PBG: Girl, I don’t know. They may have us excommunicated. Or worse.

Hey Toni, hey. You are probably are a good person and fun to kick it with and I love your hair, but I don't understand the things you write. Don't tell nobody tho.

Yes, it is a requirement that the natural haired set read AND enjoy Toni Morrison. If you don’t you might as well get an S-Curl of Duke Texturizer Kit. It is in the handbook.

me: We ‘posedta like Dwele

The PBG: We can’t like UGK, fried chicken…

And worship Badu. We do, but that’s immaterial.

Do you burn incense? I think we’re supposed to.

me: Dangit, I need to increase my frequency

Did you know us naturals have to pray to an altar made of cowrie shells with Erykah Badu albums laid upon it thrice a day. PBG has to repent for her love of UGK and I have to make amends for enjoying Jahiem and Tank sex carols.

The PBG: Yeah. I forget sometimes. Naturalistas are gonna disown me.

me: We gotta stop with the weaves and braid extensions

That is punishable by jail time

The PBG: As Black girls that don’t relax our hair, that is a definite no-no.

I am also wanted for aiding and abetting her weave. Shame on us.

me: But I have to stop eating this delicious pork

The PBG: Bacon will make your hair straight!!!

me: I might don’t make it.

The PBG: You got white friends? You bet not tell nobody but God.

I ain't giving up my bacon for NOBODY! Fight me.

me: Do I have to throw away my Freakum dresses?

The PBG: You can turn it into a turban. I think that’s acceptable. Be sure to check the Natural Black Girl’s Handbook.

me: I’mma get the DVD from the natural sorority’s website for 29.95

Don’t want to be out in deez streets slipping

I’ll clear out a space on my shelf after I throw away my hood movies

The PBG: The natural hair drop squad will come for you. Force you to eat vegan and listen to Jill Scott cd’s.

me: Well they look at Jill in contempt now, she got a perm, she was excommunicated

The PBG: Who’s the new it girl or are they still holding up India.Arie as the Patron Saint of Nappy?

You know she did that song we’re supposed to love.

me: “I am Not My Hosh*t” ?

The PBG: That’s it.

me: POW!

The PBG: Or was that Trina?

me: collabo

The PBG: Definitely.

This wrap used to be a top of the line Freakum dress. Word to Beyonce.

The PBG: I think we’re supposed to tag all of tweets #naturalhair

“I’m on my way to work now. #naturalhair”

me: Took a dump, lit an incense #doe #naturalhair

The PBG: My feet hurt. #naturalhair

me: Eating free range fried chicken wings and organic Mumbo sauce #naturalhair

The PBG: We need to get on the right track or risk being ostracized by the other kinky haired chicks.

me: Cuz we have to not conform by conforming…. wait, what?

The PBG: Huh? What? I am a non-conformist!

So I have to do what the other relaxer-less girls do.

He ends all his tweets with #naturalhair, as to not conform. -_-

So what natural hair misconceptions and assumptions have you heard or been privy to from folks?

laughs, silly chats

Negative Nancy and Dumb Cheekie

August 23, 2011 Naturally Alise 3 Comments

I am multi-layered, say something about it!

Maybe I am Negative Nancy this week because I am seriosuly irritated with everything. Today I am frustrated with a certain aspect of social media, particularly Twitter. I am sick of people thinking you can only be one way. Folks in these streets like “Eff a complex being!” They have signs and everything, not really, but they #minuswell. For example, today folks were talking about the alleged false separation story of Will and Jada Smith, and were getting bashed about that because they weren’t talking abut Libya and other major news stories. My immediate reaction:

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/106043964997648384″]

So let me get this right, if I talk about gossip or doing hoodrat stuff with my friends I don’t care about the world. Also, we can only talk about frivolous things that you deem acceptable. Oh.

oh.

To other things let me tell you about this low IQ pal of mine named Cheekie, peep this conversation:

Cheekie: i’m done wif you

me: lies

roll the tube

stop being wasteful

Cheekie: i tell some semblance of the troof

me: if that helps you sleep at night

it that is what keeps your Circadian rhythms on beat

Cheekie: THOSE annoying things, and those mutant cicadas don’t know how to fly. brand new stranger bishes.

i wish i had a blog when they came here

me: aint nobody say nothing bout no cicadas

Cheekie: oh you said CIRcadian

facepalm

puts deep-rooted issues in backburner

me: LMAO!!!! but i do share your disdain -_-

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/105843224140189697″]

Thanks for bearing with this schizophrenic post. No DSM IV.

laughs

Cuckoo for Coffee…

July 25, 2011 Naturally Alise 6 Comments

true story... autobiography.

Every morning I whisper a very sacred prayer to begin my day on a positive note. *RECORD SCRATCH* Ummm yes, I pray, stop judging me, you dont know my life!. This is the prayer:

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/95116999750987776″]

Well, today is one of those days that I need the Omnipotent and Based Coffee God to bless me caffeinatedly. That makes sense, don’t argue, just nod and shy away form sudden movements around crazy folks. I am having one of those days where everything and everybody is on my nerves. My relationship with coffee is similar to how I feel abut the blessed entities known as oxygen and sushi. Yeah, it is serious. I would consider a coffee IV drip if it was possible, no lie. No lye either.

coffee cartoon - DO stupid things faster with more energy

My foolishness needs a catalyst.

I try to act like I am a coffee snob. I am one of those annoying people at Starbuck’s who tries to make my order as complicated as possible. However, I will drink any coffee. Cheap Coffee. Overpriced Coffee. Bad Coffee. Off-brand Coffee. Just give me the coffee and nobody gets hurt. My coffee addiction started at the tender age of 5 from my maternal grandmother. She let me take a sip and the rest is herstory. We bonded over coffee and at one period of my adult life cigarettes, but that is whole other story and blog post, don’t judge me.

Hello Lover!

My favorite fancy coffee drink is an Iced Vanilla Skim Latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon. Are you an addict too and what is your favorite coffee drink? (And for the weirdo tea drinkers who don’t drink coffee what is your favorite tea drink?)

laughs

I wanna see the receipts!

June 22, 2011 Naturally Alise 9 Comments

I wanna see the receipts…

Last night I had a Whitney Houston moment. No, I did not go on an insane drug binge with errant wigs. However, I did utter a remix of her famous phrase: “I wanna see the receipts!” Let me replay the scene.

classic moment. cracky moment too, but classic nonetheless.

I am taking care of my 8 and 9 year old cousins for the entire summer. My grandmother wanted me to take them to Vacation Bible School this week, of course I agreed because there is no arguing with grandmothers. While the kids went off to their separate classes the adults had a class. The class was going well until….

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/83365628936859648″]

I just could not help myself. Her statement was so off the wall and completely made-up that all my church decorum went out the stained glass window. This is why I will never have nice things, or as I tell Cheekie: “You will never possess anyhing of quality.”

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/83365772847620096″]

Y’all pray for me. I wanna see the receipts from your prayers!

I wanna see the receipts…

poetry, love, & laughs