deal with me... if you dare...
I was thinking today about my bouts throughout my life with depression and with just general sadness, grief, or even anger. One thing that stuck out to me is people saying or doing the wrong things. An important part of someone’s coping with depression or a sadness is the support of family and friends. Note that I said SUPPORT. A lot of times people think that their words or actions are supportive but actually are the antithesis. I cannot speak for every person, but here is what NOT to do for me when I am going through something or feeling “some kinda way.”
Never tell me not to cry. This is in essence invalidating my emotions and my expression. Believe me, that will not improve the situation. Instead, just hand me a tissue, hug me, or or just make your calm state be contagious, but never dictate to me how I can release if it is not hurting anyone. Now if I start kicking and punching walls, handle that. Not that I’ve done anything like that before *straight face* (I don’t even believe that, lol).
I would never kick or punch a wall... you don't believe that either, do you?
Never spout platitudes and cliches at me while I am in an actively distressed state. It will instantly, while in my slightly delusional frame of mind, make me think you are patonizing me. I tend to overthink things when I am …. ummm… okay, I always overthink things. This is the curse gift and the curse. In fact this makes me think of lines I have in a poem of mine:
And folks have the nerve to tell me how I should feel
Cliches being thrown at me
Kind of like a life’s a bitch martyr
Oh yeah, never tell me how I SHOULD feel. Such as, “Don’t be mad,” “Don’t be sad,” “This ain’t worth it,” etc. Everyone has a right to their reactions to a situation. Usually any irrational feelings will work themselves out once you have time to process a whole situation. Usually this can happen if the person is allowed to talk their feelings out in a safe feeling environment.
Have you taken all of that in?
So you wonder the what you should say or do. For me: just listen, let me get it out. Then when I have calmed down (which I will do) just ask me, “Do you want to talk about? Do you want my advice?” If I say no, don’t. If I say yes, do. Just be there. Simple as that.
Just being there is half the battle. (Go Joe!)
Girl, you almost got me riled up with this one, only because I totally know how it feels to be extremely sad, depressed and someone saying “Dont be sad”, as if it’s that simple. And sometimes it feels like that phrase is used not because they dont want YOU to feel sad, but because your sadness makes them uncomfortable and they dont know how to respond. To that I say, People who are like that should just stay away because its not helping, its only hurting. There are people with the special gift of knowing how to comfort. If you arent one of them, then come back around when I am happy again.
I totally identified with this post.
i’m a new reader. i discovered you over at “the page turners”. i was going to just peek in and keep it moving but this post really spoke to me. i feel you on all your points. i would only add that the points you raised are all of the reasons why we should seek professional help when we find ourselves in the 3rd bout of depression in 2 months. random # but you get the point. most of our loved ones mean well but for all their well-meaning intentions, their interventions just serve to further aggravate you. and when you’re going through your trials and tribulations, the last thing you want to worry about is hurting the feelings of the one who is trying to comfort you.
i recommend knowing who’s who in your life. who can listen without judging? who can listen without trying to fix your problem? who can offer viable options instead of telling you what they think you want to hear? who will just shut up and let you cry? once you know who’s who, you’ll know who to side-step and who to call. but if your depression persists, get professional help. that being said, i’ll be charging $100 per session with a sliding scale for facebook and twitter friends. i kid…but seriously;)
Depression is something I have dealt with off and on for a long time and I thankfully under a doctor’s care for it, so I definitely agree with you about the professional help aspect. I love your point of identifying who’s who in your life, definitely an EXCELLENT point!
Thanks for stopping by and reading!