actual transcript.

Haven’t posted any silly chats from my partner in crime/ratchetry/gchattery, Belinda,  (or blog post in general) in quite a while.  I know she feels neglected, kind of like her brain feels neglected of cells and sense.  I still love her though, but you are supposed to love thine enemies anyway, so it works.  That’s the way God and ‘nem designed it.  Or something.  Anyway, I am rambling, enjoy the silliness:

definitely not brown...

me: Awesome sauce! … Which is just generic swagu, but tastes similar
Belinda: yeah generic swagu is a nice sub, specially for these hard times
me: I be thinking… I’m a great resource
Belinda: you’re like encyclopedia brown except you’re actually brown
me: Google brown
Belinda: YES, i’d totally read those books

for indoors only.

me: I don’t trust folks who go outside in pajamas
I feel like they ain’t wash their ass
#random
Belinda: LMFAO, Bye Alice –> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MngGyN8Q294

[Editor's Note: the video she sent me is below]

WHOOP DAT TRICK! wait.. what?

Belinda: agreed
asloth [Editor's note: once again for this corny reference : pet greed]
me: *dies*
Belinda: we are seriously beating this dead horse.
r.i.p., horse
me: better than beating a sloth doe
he already got it bad
Belinda: you ain’t never lied
well at least not today
yeah, beating a sloth is like beating a man when he’s down
me: but beating a man while down is better strategy
Belinda: it really is
it keeps things consistent
me: if only i used my powers for good
Belinda: it’s like “well… while you down there..”
 me: we aint shit
well more so you
Belinda: not one bit
we’re the antonym of shit
wait… ( ._.)
me: ol shit antithesis
they should’t give big words to ratchets like us

Don’t judge us, we are actually reasonable people.  Well I am anyway. Viva las chats.

Nikki Giovanni, my hero...

Nikki Giovanni, “Choices”

if i can’t do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don’t want
to do

it’s not the same thing
but it’s the best i can
do

if i can’t have
what i want . . . then
my job is to want
what i’ve got
and be satisfied
that at least there
is something more to want

since i can’t go
where i need
to go . . . then i must . . . go
where the signs point
through always understanding
parallel movement
isn’t lateral

when i can’t express
what i really feel
i practice feeling
what i can express
and none of it is equal
i know
but that’s why mankind
alone among the animals
learns to cry

ALICE! (great name, lol)

Alice Walker, “Gift”

You intend no doubt
to give me nothing,
and are not aware
the gift has already been
received.
Curse me then,
and take away
the spell.
For I am rich;
no cheap and ragged
beggar
but a queen,
to rouse the king
I need in you.

...and so forth and such and what not, etc.

Belinda: *heart warms*
me: I imagined your heart in some Tupperware in the microwave on defrost
Belinda: HAHAHA me too!
me: That’s why we go together
Belinda: mmhmm chile
me: Peas and carrots swag
Belinda: tee hee!
wayment… i bet you’d say i was forrest gump
hmph

Yeah, me and Belinda (aka Cheekie the Great Mediocre)  go together.  I am a glutton for punishment… and pie. You miss us?  No?  Haters.  Anyway, with my new job situation and new website design jobs,  I haven’t been posting much, but I sure missed it.  So this will kick off my attempt to not be a stranger for  so long.  Speaking of missing foks:

Megaphone Protocol

Alise: I missed you.
Don’t tell nobody.
Step away from the megaphone
Belinda: *places megaphone into pocket like only a looney tune-esque character could*
ditto
me: but their pocket would be in their fur….  even though they would take the fur off, so i guess it was technically clothes
Belinda: LOL true, i wonder if they ever wore mink coats in the winter or thought their shit was better?

Classy Greetings and Laughs

Belinda: how are you and shit?
me: Splendid and shit.you?
Belinda: shit and splendid, naturally (no… *points to you*)
me: Lmao
Le Mao
Lee meow
Lay mow
Belinda: HAHAHA
me: That is all
For now anyway
Belinda: how bout lei mao for the Hawaiians?

Circular Un-Logic

Belinda: figured i need some chill evening ratchet gchat time.i been too productive lately. o_O
me: LOL, need some sloth …   would you pet a pet greed or sloth?  (Editor’s Note: Click here to get the “pet greed” reference)
or is a pet greed all porcupiney?
would you just nod at it to show affection?
Belinda: yeah, i’d give it a thats whats up head nod. I’m too gangsta for anything else
me: and you boogie with it for obvious reasons, but dont blame it…. actually blame it, MJ said so
i am confused
Belinda: same

What???

Check out some vintage chat silliness  by clicking the pics below while I get my blogging life together.

"We Be Chatting"

"Chatopia"

"Chat Swagu"

Enjoy!  Happy Holidays!  Till we meet again…

This song is like tinsel and glitter... never goes away.

I work anywhere from 8 to 12 hour shifts.  Within that span of time I hear the store’s music, which actually is not half bad.  Not half good either.  I have heard at least 20 different covers of the cassic Donny Hathaway Christmas song, “This Christmas.”  As you may have seen on my blog, I am a huge fan of Donny Hathaway and his progeny.  However, I low-key despise “This Christmas.”  On paper it is a great song, catchy, and Yuletidey, but I have deveoped a relationship with this song similar to mine with the Eletric Slide Dance.  I sing it just like you HAVE  an obligation to do the Electric Slide at ratchet weddings and family reunions.  It’s in the rules for retaining your Hood Pass™.  Back to the incessant playing of this song at work.  I have heard a version done by some of the following artists:

• Usher
• Gloria Estafan
• Beyonce and ‘nem (Destiny’s Child)
• Chris Brown
• Macy Gray … this is by far the worst version.
• Christina Aguilera …  she overdid this one the way she oversings everything, it is painful to listen.

they have got to bring this back....

#ThugLife

Belinda: LMFAO. He look so gangsta. And I still love how Chick Fil A’s mascot is a cow. still think that is genius as fuck.

 me: Chik Fila cow bout dat life, he IS gangsta ain’t he?

Belinda: quite,  he has that… aura

 me: This one little girl was about to lose it to get to him, a toddler

Belinda: aww

me: They say “my pleasure ” instead of you’re welcome on Chik Fil A. I don’t like that shit. I bet the cow don’t like it either

What weird or funny stuff have you witnessed at the mall?

Sea Change by Jeremy Page

The latest selection from BlogHer’s Book Club is Sea Change by Jeremy Page.  I got pulled into this book by its gorgeous, descriptive language.   He paints with words instead of just creating the “same ol’” narrative. His writing style sometimes even reads like poetry.  The land, the water, the boat were characters that participated in the plot in very real ways. And the world “real” means a lot here, because the main character, Guy’s story is not all the way “real”. He lives on an old boat, wandering around the North Sea, lost literally and figuratively.  Five years prior an accident happened and his daughter was killed. His marriage didn’t make it long afterwards… in the real world.  But every night Guy sits in his boat and writes a diary of what could have/should have been.   He then meets a mother and daughter that bridge the connection to his imagined future and the real one.   This is a quiet, engaging, and layered book that leaves you thinking about  what happens in it long after…

 Join in the first discussion of the book Sea Change at BlogHer (here).

I was compensated for this BlogHer Book Club review but all opinions expressed are my own.

POW! (see what I did there? no? the gun-sight? pow? no? oh.)

So, hey y’all hey!  I have some fabulous news.  I got a job!  *crowd goes wild*  I haven’t had one of those in many a moon and it hasn’t been for lack of trying.   So in honor of my working woman status I present to you the latest Playlist adventure aptly titled “Employed & Sh*t.”  Enjoy my working woman’s medley.

[iframe width="50%" height="240" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/JTC1V4OUUl8"]

Michael Jackson  - “Working Day and Night”

[iframe width="50%" height="240" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/MJVcgP9ve-c"]

Jackie Wilson – “Baby Workout”

[iframe width="50%" height="240" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/vwtLGFTrwLE"]

Vanessa Williams – “Work To Do”

[iframe width="50%" height="240" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/UODX_pYpVxk" ]

Missy Elliot – “Work It”

[iframe width="50%" height="240" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2OKNDb1ONL4"]

Big Daddy Kane – “I Get the Job Done”

Been Diddy Bopping for a week!

Wish me luck and energy in my return to the land of the employed. Y’all be good!

Whichever stick figure is cooler is me. -_-

It has been a while since I have presented the ignorance of my “friend” Cheekie, aka Belinda, aka This Bish Here in our Gchats.  I am always completely innocent and level headed in our chats, I don’t know why she carries on the way she does.  My guess is lack adherence to home training.  I’m tellign her Mom.  I also lie sometimes.  Sue me.  Here goes some of our shenanigans:

pre-interview murders…

Smooth criminal, that's me, I know that is KAING MIKO, duh, I am just a deviant. Don't snitch.

Alise: i am killing time b4 my interview

Belinda: first degree murder

Alise: them hours was getting on my nerves, they had to go

#ThugLife

Belinda: HAHAHA

Alise: you are a silly silly gal

Belinda: allegedly

Alise: of course allegedly i am aware your lawyer isn’t present i watch Lawinawduh

Belinda: law & order soundbite

Alise: i was gonna do it but couldn’t think of what to call it

 Where my homies?  Creeping through the (neighbor)hood…

(for the lyrical reference: “Where My Homies” – Ill and Al Scratch)

I don't trust these or other puppets, except Muppets, because they have a budget. Someone believes enough in them to fund their vision. This makes sense.

me: BELINDA!!!

Belinda: alice!

me: hey.

Belinda: hi neighbor

me: won’t you be my neighbor?

*puts on sweater gangsterly*
I think Mr. Rogers was OCD
like who is that regimented with the changing of their sweater
ol ritual having ass
I bet he washed his hands excessively too
bet ya
RIP #doe.

Belinda: *tosses over shoe into other hand like a real G*, which i thought was the coolest thing evah. i’mma tweet that

And of course she did tweet it.  Predictable and she does Twiter wrong:

Belinda: he might’ve been OCD

he was also schizophrenic. King Friday an’nem

me: i hated them

 the voices that is

low budgety ass puppet voices

Belinda: HAHAHA

 i used to think that king friday was the actual king of friday.

Heroes of the super persuasion...

What’s my name, fool?

Belinda: you know whats a dope name? mandy moon

  that is somebody’s name

me: most alliteration names are cool

Belinda: and THAT one sounds like she should be a superhero

  mandy moon, she who battles the evil sun.

me: why the sun evil?

  seems like the moon would be evil

  since it is dark and cold

Belinda: i’m going against the grain

  not a grain of rice doe. i like that.

me: why did i imagine you air fighting a field of wheat

Belinda: _______________ (Editor’s Note: Belinda flatlined.  She dead.)

  goodbye alice (Editor’s Note: She resurrected just to annoy me, selfish.)

me: it’s plausible

Belinda: i bet gluten free folks do that all the time

Good times.  I love my Belinda.  Sometimes.

... and I just can't hide it!

I am just as excited about a new outfit as I am about a new pack of ink pens.  No hyperbole at all.  So imagine my excitement about getting a grownup Smartphone.  Ever since my funemployment I scaled back to a regla ol’ phone with regla ol’ service.  Basic, bare bones swag.    When I was working full time for the 1% and ‘nem in  Corporate America I had a Blackberry, but now I am a proud Android owner.

All Google AIRTHANG! Big Google, I mean Big Brother, is watching. Or something.

It ain’t the fanciest phone out there, but it is MINE and something I was finally able to do for myself as a treat for a tumultuous past year and a half.  I am ridiculously excited about  all the Big Girl features and apps and thangs.  I can hardly concentrate on anything not related to this stupid phone.  I am a kid with sweatpants and patent leather shoes all over again.  And I’m okay with that.    What makes you get little kid excited?

So let me tell you how James Brown saved the day...

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Evil as hell for no particular reason.  So of course when you are evil and feeling antiscocial you should go out in the public around people.  It is the only logical answer. -_-  So I headed to my favorite coffee shop to go spread my cheer and good will.

[blackbirdpie url="http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/132863281567240192"]

Pocket full of sunshine.  Love me.  So then my sunny disposition got even more enhanced:

[blackbirdpie url="http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/132859168456572928"]

Really, why do sick people like to stand all close up on well folks?  What exact part of the game is that?  Well I don’t play that.

side-eyes, best weapons ever...

[blackbirdpie url="http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/132861058586120192"]

My evil mood continued on for a couple hours.  I even got indignant and felt like habitually line-stepping.  See:

[blackbirdpie url="http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/132861810910048256"]

But then out of nowhere through the magic of iTunes James Brown screamed “owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww” in my headphones.  So I decide to just play everything in my James Brown collection.  My mood suddenly shifted.  In fact I think James kept me from going  completely off and catching a charge or something…

[blackbirdpie url="http://twitter.com/NaturallyAlise/status/132877431882260480"]

owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

I triple dog dare you to be in a bad mood whilst listening to the Godfather of Soul.  If you can accomplish that then you have no soul and we can’t be friends.  Hey, ya gotta have standards.    How y’all doing?

interesting cover... -_-

Theodora: Actress, Empress, Whore by Stella Duffy, latest selection from BlogHer’s Book Club,  details the story of Theodora of Constantinople.   Theodora rose to prominence in Constantinopale, first as an actress, accompanying that role as a whore, and then later married and became the empress.   Normally I love historical/period fiction, but I had trouble with this one. The author’s choice of vocabulary and phrasing for me made it difficult to be pulled into the read. We have these beautiful Greek and Roman names and a some of the period vocabulary fighting with modern slang and vocabulary…  I did enjoy her choice of topic and felt that Theodora was an interesting character, but I just could not get into the delivery.  I felt the awkward writing style took away from what could have been a great novel about a compelling woman.

This was a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own